Well I recorded a new podcast. If you want, go to iTunes and search “Rock ‘n Roll Jolly Roger” and subscribe. Or you can can listen by clicking here.
There was no theme this week, I just played some really good music including: Wavves, The Strokes, Mastodon, The Cult, The Yahoos, and more!!!
I’m a little rusty podcasting, but I’ll find my podcast-legs soon enough. I’m going to try to do one show a week. Comment if you have any song suggestions/requests.
Well now this is sad news: blues singer Etta James died today. The singer, best know for songs such as “At Last” and “I Just Want To Make Love To You,” was 73 years old. She leaves behind a legacy of timeless, American classics. James was a major influence on singers both male and female. I have no doubt that there would be no Adele or Amy Winehouse without Etta James. Rolling Stone magazine ranked her 1961 album AT LAST! as #116 on their list of the 500 Greatest Albums of All-Time. In 2008 Beyonce Knowles portrayed her in the film CADILLAC RECORDS (which I must admit that I never saw, but I heard good things).
RIP
I’ve spent many a Sunday mornings listening to Etta James on my record player. Her music really holds up, even more so with the current “retro” blues/soul revival that began with Amy Winehouse and continues today. There’s something magical about a lot of the music from the late 1950’s and early 1960’s. Singers like Frank Sinatra and Etta James seemed to have had a special bag of magic when they were recording, their work not only continues to thrive but seemed exist in timeless vacuum.
She will be missed, but we’ll always have the music.
Can you believe I had to hear “Red Solo Cup” 5 times today at work? I really don’t know what to say, I think it might be the end times, kids. Except it’s not the end-times, is it? No, we’ve seen days just as dark as these “Red Solo Cup” days. I thought about it and there’s been a bunch of SUPER, laughably bad country songs over the years. Most of them, it turns out, were really big hits. Here are my top 5 worst country songs of all time:
1. “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus. I really wish this 1992 turd of a song was the worst thing that Billy Ray ever produced, but we all know that ain’t true. Still, this song is super-bad and is universally reviled now…but back when it came out it was a massive hit. I remember this song spawning a bunch of news stories about the growing popularity of country line dancing. Boy, we all know how that turned out. For me the worst part of this song is (and this will be a common theme among all of these songs) the stupid lyrics. I had a hell of a time typing “Achy Breaky.” Those words just look wrong together.
Oh, this guys' cool...
2. “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” by Kenny Chesney. This song is still popular (I heard it on the radio today) but boy is it awful. The idea is okay I guess. I mean it’s…um…sexy to be a farmer, right?. The reality is: being a farmer is not sexy, Chesney’s grating voice is not sexy, and you’re an idiot. This is one of those songs that every time I hear it I can’t believe someone had the balls to record and release it. The amazing part is (of course) it was a huge hit. Real farmers are too damn tough to care about being sexy, but that’s not even what this song is really about, it’s about sexy FARMING EQUIPMENT. Oh, country music, never change.
I'm not into farm equipment, but I'd totally hit that.
3. “Goodbye Earl” by The Dixie Chicks. Okay, this one is awful and funny as hell. So these three chicks write a song about a woman who is abused. Still with me? Nothing unusual about that, especially in a country song. She (shockingly) gets her revenge on him and kills him…by poisoning his black eyed peas(?). I’m not sure if it’s possibly to be any more “hick” than that. I remember seeing the music video when the song first came out, it was hilariously bad (Earl was played by Dennis Franz). There’s a right way to handle delicate subject matter, such as spousal abuse…and this song is definitely not it. “Hey Earl! Time to die!” Oh, I get it…he gave her a shiner so it’s okay that we’re killing him. The ironic part is, the same soccer moms who sang along with this song were the SAME people giving 90s rappers a bunch of shit about killing cops and slapping hoes. I get it, it’s okay when you do it.
DO. NOT. EAT. THOSE. PEAS.
4. “Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy. So this the only song on this list (thus far) to be turned into a cartoon movie. The song was inexplicably popular in the early 80s and remains in heavy rotation during the Christmas season. But why? Why does a song about a grandma getting killed by a reindeer get a special place in our collective hears? Probably because we’re both terribly mean and terribly stupid. To be fair, this song made me laugh when I was 11. Now it just makes me shake my head.
Grammy's dead, Happy Christmas.
5. “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (the Angry American)” by Toby Keith. You know, I think of all the songs mentioned on this list, I hate this one the worst. It’s utterly stupid on so many levels. First off, I can’t stand the song’s jingoistic bullshit. It really burns my ass that Keith put a song like this out after 9/11. There didn’t seem to be very much of a musical reaction to 9/11 (other than one sleepy Springsteen album) so this song pretty much had to represent us as a nation. That wouldn’t be so bad if the song wasn’t an almost parody of America–the violent, brutish oaf who blunders about the globe. The song’s imagery is hilarious. Really, Toby? The Statue of Liberty is going to shake her fist with anger? Way to turn a beacon of hope into a hateful monster, you piece of shit. You do know she’s French, right? “Red Solo Cup” is embarrassing for Toby Keith, “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” is embarrassing for America.
This song makes me want to hear "Red Solo Cup" again.
Well it looks like another Van Halen tour is really going to happen. You can check out the complete list of dates over at the band’s website, but if you live in the continental United States Van Halen is playing in a city near you. I’m sure the tickets will be super-pricy and I’m sure a majority of the dates will sell out. I’m also sure that everyone is going to get up and go to the bathroom during “Tattoo” and the other two or three new songs they play. I guess that’s just the way of the world.
Speaking of “Tattoo” I have some rather disturbing news to report. I’m afraid that all this week I’ve had the song running through my head. I haven’t really been humming or singing it per say…I just keep thinking about it. Sort of like the musical equivalent of tonguing one’s canker sore. It hurts me and every time I think about it I’m shocked and how much it hurts. Not that I’m saying the song is like a canker sore (it’s worse, canker sores go away eventually, this piece of shit song is going to last until the end of time).
I really wish I’d been able to see Van Halen back in their heyday, but I’m going to be suckered by another “Dinosaurs of Rock” tour. The last one that I saw, AC/DC was really fucking good. In fact, AC/DC was better than they deserve to be considering. But the band I saw before that was The Police reunion, and let me tell you, that was downright disgusting. I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead. I guess that’s the problem with making the kind of loud, in-your-face, youthful music like Van Halen used to make: it’s pathetic when old dudes try to pull it off. Besides, I’m not getting any younger myself and arena-rock shows just aren’t my bag anymore. Better leave those to the kids…
There's nothing wrong with being a fat kid...just don't be in Van Halen.
*SHUDDER*
This post is lovingly dedicated to my friend Becky.
I’m not one of these people who thinks that all music has to “say something” or be “serious art” all the time. But I gotta say, I really hate novelty songs. No matter how clever or funny you think a novelty song is, given enough time you’re gonna hate it. Which is why even after 25+ years of making music, Weird Al si still on the fringes of cultural acceptance. Novelty songs are bubble-gum in the purest sense: it’s sugary and good for about two minutes before it turns nasty and you have to spit it out.
Last week I heard Toby Keith’s song “Red Solo Cup” for the first time at work. I share an office now with an older woman who likes to listen to the radio while we work. Unlike a lot of people I don’t mind not getting to pick the radio station, sometimes I like hearing new things. And besides, I’m at work, what am I gonna do? It’s not like I have a choice…
So we were listening to the local country station and this song came on about fucking plastic cups. Now I’m not a huge country fan but not all country is stupid hillbilly music. Johnny Cash was a badass and I like Gram Parsons. Anyway, one of the appeals of country music is the material, the idealized agrarian lifestyle, the yearning for simpler times, surviving a harsh world, bucking broncos, and crying in one’s beer. Modern country music isn’t about anything cool like that. It’s basically about the same stuff as mainstream pop music is about. But you know, with a twang.
This Toby Keith song, “Red Solo Cup” is basically a song about that ubiquitous party cup. But if you think about it, the Red Solo Cup represents everything bad-ass outlaw Country dudes SHOULD be against. The Red Solo Cup ain’t even from Texas, it’s from New York City….NEW YORK CITY!!!
Toby, are you saying I'm a loser for not liking your cup song?
Seriously, think about it: the Red Solo Cup is part of the “disposable lifestyle” that of corporate America’s always shoving down our throats. The idea that we should use a cup once and throw away is anti-artisan, anti-homemade, and anti-country. But hey, Toby’s just a good-time good ‘ole boy! He’s not here to THINK he’s here to DRINK. Okay, fine. But how about the fact that this song is basically a spoken-word piece. It’s not really sung so much as “read” by Toby Keith. Which, again, is fine except the same red-neck idiots who giggle and guffaw at this bullshit have the nerve to turn around and say ignorant shit like “well rap ain’t music, that’s just talkin’.”
And anyway at the heart of the matter: it’s a stupid one-joke song. It’s “Grandma Got Run-over by a Reindeer.” Except that song is slightly better because “Grandma Got Run-over by a Reindeer” is a Christmas song, and thus only played during the holidays which helps keep it away from me most of the time. The fact that this plastic cup song is #1 Country song on iTunes AND it’s played every hour-on-the-hour on the local Country radio station is both bleak and telling. If I was flipping through the dial I might even think I’d stumbled upon a really long commercial.
Which reminds me., you know who’s happy about this song? Well, besides Toby Keith, who’s no doubt loving the fact that he’s enjoying some success again: the Solo Cup Company. I bet they’re laughing all the way to bank. In fact, I predict that in a few years we’ll see a Solo Cup ad or commercial that uses this song (you know, when it’s no longer culturally relevant and the licensing fees are more economical).
Bottom line: “Red Solo Cup” is going to be the answer to an obscure trivia question in about six months, just wait and see.
Sweden is the land of ROCK my friends. All the best bands seem to be coming from Sweden these days, I guess there’s something in the water over there. Anyway, I’d been hearing a LOT about Sweden’s Ghost for a while. Usually these buzz-bands disappoint, but Ghost proved to be a rare exception. What I’d heard was Ghost was a “classic” metal band, like Black Sabbath. I’d heard they were “dark” and very theatrical and, unlike most metal bands today, they actually sang. Intrigued, I put Ghost’s debut record OPUS EPONYMOUS on my to-do list. Some time passed, and then on New Year’s Eve I noticed that the band was listed on iTunes 2011 End-of-Year Rewind as “Best Metal Album.”
So long story short I used an iTunes giftcard I’d received for X-mas to download the album. Everything about this album kicks so much ass. First, let’s talk about the album cover:
Scooby Doo where are you?
My good friend, Dr. Michael Wense, has dubbed the spooky character on the album cover “Ghost Pope.” On first glace what you see is something that’s supposed to be scary but clearly looks like Count Chocula. Well this cover is a pretty good representation for Ghost as a band. There is NO WAY that this band is serious. I’m sorry, I know there’s dudes out there on the message boards saying bullshit like “these guys really are Satanists” or “this band isn’t a joke” but let me tell you: this band is a hilarious joke. In fact, I’d say this is the greatest non-cartoon, cartoon metal band of all time. I should be repulsed by this band, after all the satanic/evil/devil bullshit is pretty fucking stupid and the epitome of everything I hate about a lot of metal….
And yet, Ghost as a whole seems to almost be a parody of (what I think is) the worst of metal.
Okay, so what about the music? Well that’s the weird thing, I heard all these Sabbath comparisons going-in to the record…but honestly this band does not sound like Black Sabbath. This band is a basically an tongue-in-cheekier version of Blue Oyster Cult. The vocals and guitars sound just like BOC. The songs are ridiculously awesome. There are so many melty-velveeta moments,it’s hard to just pick one. How about on “Stand By Him” where they sing “A Temptress smitten by the Blackest Force/A Vicar Bitten Blind in intercourse.” Or the second track, “Con Clavi Con Dio” which opens with a chugging, menacing riff that is broken by the lead singer shrilly summoning “Lucifer!” like his balls are in a vice. It’s anti-scary and cracks me up every time I hear it.
The chocolate-loving father of "Ghost Pope"?
Now that’s not to say that this isn’t a good band, or that the album is a pointless novelty, cos it’s not…not completely. The song “Prime Mover,” for example is a ballsy, super-melodic rocker. These guys have the chops and regardless what you think of their shtick, you can’t deny them that. The fact that they wear costumes (I saw the lead singer on YouTube playing a concert in full “Ghost Pope” regalia) leads me to believe that Ghost really is more joke than some of the numbskulls online would have you think. I would say that if, like me, you’re a fan of classic hard rock and/or early metal you owe it to yourself to give OPUS EPONYMOUS a listen.
Take a listen:
And what the hell, how about a freaky-ass Beatles cover?
As of today, this blog has a podcast! I stayed up super-late recording a first episode which is all Replacements music. I’m using an all-new podcasting setup, so it’s not as polished as I’d like, but the sound quality is better than what I’ve done in the past. Enjoy.
To subscribe, go to iTunes and search “Rock ‘n Roll Jolly Roger Podcast.” Huzzah.
Woah!
I don’t even know where to start with this one. The Replacements are like an institution in the pop/punk world. I want to say something stupid like “they’re as important as The Beatles” or “they’re a bit like Nirvana” but that doesn’t do them justice. The Replacements started out as a shitty punk band in Minnesota and became something much more, so much more. Without The Replacements there would be no fucking Green Day, I’ll tell you that.
So much hair-product, so little time.
Lead singer/song-writer Paul Westerberg is a genius. You want catchy as hell songs that are also ABOUT something? Then look no further. His lyrics are literate and biting…and yet also sweet and almost naive at the same time. They’re tough as hell and soft as a pillow. He’s that special kind of badass that can write about how sad and lonely he is without coming off like a sissy. For me this is best encapsulated by their song “Unsatisfied.” It’s tough as hell and makes me want to cry it’s so heart-on-their-sleeve the lyrics should be written in blood.
The band evolved from spikey, angry-youngman punk (see the STINK Ep) to more refined power-pop (PLEASED TO MEET ME). Whenever a band changes so dramatically it usually means their is a real artist involved, because in my opinion, a true artist is never content to bang out the same crap year after year. The songs were written 20+ years ago and yet they still seem fresh and relevant. This is 80’s music that doesn’t seem to be 80’s music.
So if they’re so fucking great, why haven’t you heard of them? Well, they were so punk-rock they had this almost pathologically desire to ruin their careers. I’ve seen old MTV footage of them cursing and carousing drunkenly on TV, just trying to piss people off. They basically sabotaged their own careers at almost every turn. They were young, dumb, addicted to drugs, and didn’t really fit any mold corporate America gave them. If they’d come out just a few years later they would have been Nirvana, I’m convinced of that. Really, The Replacements were an unsuccessful Nirvana–in that they refused to play the corporate-shrill game…but the zeitgeist wasn’t with The Replacements like it was with Kurt Cobain & Company. But I don’t feel too bad for them, success would have just ruined the party. It’s more fun to be the under-dog anyway, right?
Little did they realize they'd be naming their 1984 release LET IT BE. I'm sure if they knew they'd have dressed up...
There are so many good songs, so many 100% perfect albums from this band, I don’t even know what to recommend you check out. I guess start with PLEASED TO MEET ME and LET IT BE. Oh yeah, The Replacements had THE TESTICULAR FORTITUDE to name their 1984 album the same as The Beatles final (chronologically released) album. It would be like if Kanye’s next album was called SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND. Holy fuck, I’d like to have been there when the label found out.
There’s a Big Star connection in that, like most ’80s rockers, Paul Westerberg worshiped at the alter of Alex Chilton’s Band. The Replacements kick so much ass, I haven’t done them any favors in any of this dribble: please just listen to a few songs and buy their albums. They’re the real deal.
Oh, boy. I don’t even know where to begin with this one…
A few years ago I found myself inexplicably drawn back into Van Halen. Not the crappy “Van Hagar” albums, mind you, just the really awesome ones the original line-up did. Then the much-ballyhooed “reunion” tour happened…yikes. The less said about that cluster-fuck/money grab the better.
That fat kid on the right is supposed to be the bassist...
Then things cooled on the Van Halen website and all was as it should be in the world. Then yesterday I was dicking around on iTunes and I saw that there was a “new” Van Halen song along with a new album available for pre-order. Yes, that’s right kids…the tour has now spawned a new album, A DIFFERENT KIND OF TRUTH which comes out February 7. With great reluctance, I hit the “preview” button on the album’s lead single, “Tattoo.” As I waited for the clip to load, I thought: “This doesn’t have to be fantastic, just don’t be embarrassing…”
Well embarrassing would be a step-up from this piece of garbage.
To say that this is a shitty song is an understatement. It’s the worst fucking thing I’ve heard all year* and I feel both sad and angry at Van Halen. I don’t understand why these Dinosaurs of Rock don’t just fade off into the sunset like they’re supposed to. If, after 20+ years of silence you want to get together and make music that’s fine–but don’t hire your fat son to play bass AND DON’T CALL IT VAN HALEN! Anyway, the song, “Tattoo” is basically just David Lee Roth singing “Tattoo, tattoo, tattoo…sexy dragon tattoo…I’m in love with you” over and over and over and over and over again. There is generic guitar and there are drums (hooray?). It’s so generic and bland that it’s hard to even make fun of it (except for Lee Roth’s lame-ass vocals, which are pretty damn lame).
This track is really bumming me out.
What’s worse, according to Sammy Hagar (ha!) this “new” Van Halen album is just a bunch of old songs the band’s had for years. Now I’m a Van Halen fan, but I don’t pretend to be a super-mega-hardcore fan that can tell that this new song “Tattoo” is just a reworking of a never-recorded, but often-played song from the 1970s called “Down In Flames.” But apparently the Red Rocker’s claims that the rest of Van Halen are about to drop an album of Van Halen-leftovers appears to be true (you can read all about it over at MTV). Why come out of record-making retirement just to release a bunch of warmed-over rejects? I mean, it’s not like they haven’t had enough TIME to write BRAND NEW music. The fact that this song has been around (in some form) for longer than I’ve been alive makes me even sadder. I mean, you can’t polish a turd…no matter how long and hard you try. I think Van Halen knew this song sucked, which is why they’re releasing it in 2012 as opposed to 1984 when people still cared.
So to recap, “Tattoo” is just another nail in the Van Halen coffin as far as I’m concerned. Just when we all though nothing could be as bad as fucking Wolfgang…this had to happen. The only silver-linning that I can see is that 99.999% of people will not actually hear about this. So there is that…I still love classic Van Halen, but this ain’t it.
I’m going to encourage you to NOT watch this video, as it is fucking terrible.
*To be fair, the year just started.
Defending Axl Rose 