Tag Archives: David Lee Roth

From the “Nobody-Could-Have-Seen-This-Coming-File”: VAH HALEN POSTPONE 31 SHOWS

Well imagine that, Van Halen are having a bit of turmoil!  Rolling Stone reported late this week that the classic rockers are “postponing” 31 shows. No one would say why, but a “source” close to the band said that “they hate each other” and that they can’t stop fighting.  Apparently they can’t even stop fighting to count all that money.  The band is currently still performing, but band reps let everyone know that after their June 26th show in New Orleans, the band isn’t going to play anymore shows.  But will the fans who bought tickets get to see the band?  Or see their money back? No one is talking in either the Van Halen-camp or the Live Natio-camp (Live Nation being the evil Corporate overlords).

Quick! Someone explain to Van Halen how capitalism works: You have a product, we pay for it…then you give it to us.

I, for one, am full of regret that I missed Van Halen when they recently rolled through St. Louis (I was at another concert) because I only heard awesome things.  Still, are we really surprised that Van Halen aren’t getting along and might back out of a mega-comeback tour?  The band is a potent concoction of “we hate each other.”  Podcaster Adam Carolla likes to ask Rolling Stone writer David Wild about the untold millions dunder-headed rockers leave “on the table” just because they can’t sack-up and get along.  I have no idea how much money Van Halen stands to lose if they don’t play these 31 remaining shows, but I’m sure it’s a phenomenal amount.  The Rolling Stone article quotes a promoter as saying that the shows have been selling really well, so the notion that the band is pulling out of the concerts because they aren’t selling enough tickets isn’t the case.

Anyway, if you have tickets for any of the following shows, you might want to start making other plans:

July 7: Uncasville, Ct., Mohegan Sun Arena
July 9: Hampton, Va., Hampton Coliseum
July 11: Philadelphia, Pa., Wells Fargo Center
July 13: East Rutherford, N.J., Izod Center
July 15: Baltimore, Md., 1st Mariner Arena
July 17: Rochester N.Y., Blue Cross Arena
July 19: Detroit, Mich., Joe Louis Arena
July 21: London, Ontario, John Labatt Centre
July 24: Toledo, Ohio, Huntington Center
July 26: Grand Rapids, Mich., Van Andel Arena
July 28: Cleveland, Ohio, Quicken Loans Arena
July 31: Fort Wayne, Ind., Allen County Memorial Coliseum
August 2: Columbus, Ohio, Schottenstein Center
August 4: Knoxville, Tenn., Thompson-Boiling Arena
August 6: Memphis, Tenn., FedEx Forum
August 8: Birmingham, Ala., BJCC Arena
August 10: Greenville, S.C., BI-LO Center
August 12: Cincinnati, Ohio, US Bank Arena
August 21: Spokane, Wash., Spokane Arena
August 23: Portland, Ore., Rose Garden
August 25: Sacramento, Calif.,Power Balance Pavilion
August 28: Fresno, Calif., Save Mart Center
August 30: Reno, Nev., Reno Events Center
September 4: Salt Lake City, Utah — EnergySolutions Arena
September 8: Albuquerque, N.M., Tingley Coliseum
September 11: El Paso, Texas, Don Haskins Center
September 13: Austin, Texas, Frank Erwin Center
September 15: Oklahoma City, Okla., Chesapeake Energy Arena
September 17: Wichita, Kan. – Intrust Bank Arena (WFT, I’m from that part of the world and I’ve never heard of this venue)
September 21: Moline, Ill., Iwireless Center
September 25: Milwaukee, Wis., Bradley Center

* * * * * *

UPDATE: I forgot to bash Wolfgang Van Halen in this post, for that I truly apologize.  In order to correct this oversight, let me just say that this is most likely all Wolfgang’s fault.  The band postponed these shows because Wolfgang is fat. 

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

New Van Halen Song SUX

Oh, boy. I don’t even know where to begin with this one…

A few years ago I found myself inexplicably drawn back into Van Halen.  Not the crappy “Van Hagar” albums, mind you, just the really awesome ones the original line-up did.  Then the much-ballyhooed “reunion” tour happened…yikes. The less said about that cluster-fuck/money grab the better.

That fat kid on the right is supposed to be the bassist...

Then things cooled on the Van Halen website and all was as it should be in the world. Then yesterday I was dicking around on iTunes and I saw that there was a “new” Van Halen song along with a new album available for pre-order.  Yes, that’s right kids…the tour has now spawned a new album, A DIFFERENT KIND OF TRUTH which comes out February 7.  With great reluctance, I hit the “preview” button on the album’s lead single, “Tattoo.”  As I waited for the clip to load, I thought:  “This doesn’t have to be fantastic, just don’t be embarrassing…”

Well embarrassing would be a step-up from this piece of garbage. 

To say that this is a shitty song is an understatement.  It’s the worst fucking thing I’ve heard all year* and I feel both sad and angry at Van Halen.  I don’t understand why these Dinosaurs of Rock don’t just fade off into the sunset like they’re supposed to.  If, after 20+ years of silence you want to get together and make music that’s fine–but don’t hire your fat son to play bass AND DON’T CALL IT VAN HALEN!  Anyway, the song, “Tattoo” is basically just David Lee Roth singing “Tattoo, tattoo, tattoo…sexy dragon tattoo…I’m in love with you” over and over and over and over and over again.  There is  generic guitar and there are drums (hooray?).  It’s so generic and bland that it’s hard to even make fun of it (except for Lee Roth’s lame-ass vocals, which are pretty damn lame).

This track is really bumming me out.

What’s worse, according to Sammy Hagar (ha!) this “new” Van Halen album is just a bunch of old songs the band’s had for years.  Now I’m a Van Halen fan, but I don’t pretend to be a super-mega-hardcore fan that can tell that this new song “Tattoo” is just a reworking of a never-recorded, but often-played song from the 1970s called “Down In Flames.”  But apparently the Red Rocker’s claims that the rest of Van Halen are about to drop an album of Van Halen-leftovers appears to be true (you can read all about it over at MTV).  Why come out of record-making retirement just to release a bunch of warmed-over rejects? I mean, it’s not like they haven’t had enough TIME to write BRAND NEW music. The fact that this song has been around (in some form) for longer than I’ve been alive makes me even sadder. I mean, you can’t polish a turd…no matter how long and hard you try.  I think Van Halen knew this song sucked, which is why they’re releasing it in 2012 as opposed to 1984 when people still cared.

So to recap, “Tattoo” is just another nail in the Van Halen coffin as far as I’m concerned. Just when we all though nothing could be as bad as fucking Wolfgang…this had to happen.  The only silver-linning that I can see is that 99.999% of people will not actually hear about this. So there is that…I still love classic Van Halen, but this ain’t it.

I’m going to encourage you to NOT watch this video, as it is fucking terrible.

*To be fair, the year just started.

Tagged , , , ,