That new Van Halen album is coming out in about 2 weeks, and another song has been unveiled. Well kinda, this time we only get a little bit of the song (like a minute and a half). The track is called “Blood and Fire” and the most surprising thing about it is that it doesn’t completely suck. Does it have that same vigor and excitement as the old Van Halen? Well…no, but then again these are old dudes (and one fat fuck*) that we’re talking about.
There's no stopping this train...let's just hope it dosen't completely embarrass itself.
Despite not getting to hear the whole thing I must say that overall it does fill me with a special kind of hope: that this new Van Halen album won’t be so shitty we’ll all be too embarrassed by it to admit that we like Van Halen.At this point, if it just kinda sucks I’ll be happy.
Bottom line (Part I): The first song made me wretch, this one…not so much. That’s good!
Bottom line (Part II): I’m gonna buy this album the day it comes and out bitch about it, because that’s all I’m good for these days.
Take a listen to (part of) this new Van Halen song and tell me what you think:
*I pick on Wolfgang only because I’m jealous**
**And he’s a lucky fat-fuck to be Eddie Van Halen’s son.
Well now this is sad news: blues singer Etta James died today. The singer, best know for songs such as “At Last” and “I Just Want To Make Love To You,” was 73 years old. She leaves behind a legacy of timeless, American classics. James was a major influence on singers both male and female. I have no doubt that there would be no Adele or Amy Winehouse without Etta James. Rolling Stone magazine ranked her 1961 album AT LAST! as #116 on their list of the 500 Greatest Albums of All-Time. In 2008 Beyonce Knowles portrayed her in the film CADILLAC RECORDS (which I must admit that I never saw, but I heard good things).
RIP
I’ve spent many a Sunday mornings listening to Etta James on my record player. Her music really holds up, even more so with the current “retro” blues/soul revival that began with Amy Winehouse and continues today. There’s something magical about a lot of the music from the late 1950’s and early 1960’s. Singers like Frank Sinatra and Etta James seemed to have had a special bag of magic when they were recording, their work not only continues to thrive but seemed exist in timeless vacuum.
She will be missed, but we’ll always have the music.
Speaking of “Tattoo” I have some rather disturbing news to report. I’m afraid that all this week I’ve had the song running through my head. I haven’t really been humming or singing it per say…I just keep thinking about it. Sort of like the musical equivalent of tonguing one’s canker sore. It hurts me and every time I think about it I’m shocked and how much it hurts. Not that I’m saying the song is like a canker sore (it’s worse, canker sores go away eventually, this piece of shit song is going to last until the end of time).
I really wish I’d been able to see Van Halen back in their heyday, but I’m going to be suckered by another “Dinosaurs of Rock” tour. The last one that I saw, AC/DC was really fucking good. In fact, AC/DC was better than they deserve to be considering. But the band I saw before that was The Police reunion, and let me tell you, that was downright disgusting. I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead. I guess that’s the problem with making the kind of loud, in-your-face, youthful music like Van Halen used to make: it’s pathetic when old dudes try to pull it off. Besides, I’m not getting any younger myself and arena-rock shows just aren’t my bag anymore. Better leave those to the kids…
There's nothing wrong with being a fat kid...just don't be in Van Halen.
As of today, this blog has a podcast! I stayed up super-late recording a first episode which is all Replacements music. I’m using an all-new podcasting setup, so it’s not as polished as I’d like, but the sound quality is better than what I’ve done in the past. Enjoy.
To subscribe, go to iTunes and search “Rock ‘n Roll Jolly Roger Podcast.” Huzzah.
Oh, boy. I don’t even know where to begin with this one…
A few years ago I found myself inexplicably drawn back into Van Halen. Not the crappy “Van Hagar” albums, mind you, just the really awesome ones the original line-up did. Then the much-ballyhooed “reunion” tour happened…yikes. The less said about that cluster-fuck/money grab the better.
That fat kid on the right is supposed to be the bassist...
Then things cooled on the Van Halen website and all was as it should be in the world. Then yesterday I was dicking around on iTunes and I saw that there was a “new” Van Halen song along with a new album available for pre-order. Yes, that’s right kids…the tour has now spawned a new album, A DIFFERENT KIND OF TRUTH which comes out February 7. With great reluctance, I hit the “preview” button on the album’s lead single, “Tattoo.” As I waited for the clip to load, I thought: “This doesn’t have to be fantastic, just don’t be embarrassing…”
Well embarrassing would be a step-up from this piece of garbage.
To say that this is a shitty song is an understatement. It’s the worst fucking thing I’ve heard all year* and I feel both sad and angry at Van Halen. I don’t understand why these Dinosaurs of Rock don’t just fade off into the sunset like they’re supposed to. If, after 20+ years of silence you want to get together and make music that’s fine–but don’t hire your fat son to play bass AND DON’T CALL IT VAN HALEN! Anyway, the song, “Tattoo” is basically just David Lee Roth singing “Tattoo, tattoo, tattoo…sexy dragon tattoo…I’m in love with you” over and over and over and over and over again. There is generic guitar and there are drums (hooray?). It’s so generic and bland that it’s hard to even make fun of it (except for Lee Roth’s lame-ass vocals, which are pretty damn lame).
This track is really bumming me out.
What’s worse, according to Sammy Hagar (ha!) this “new” Van Halen album is just a bunch of old songs the band’s had for years. Now I’m a Van Halen fan, but I don’t pretend to be a super-mega-hardcore fan that can tell that this new song “Tattoo” is just a reworking of a never-recorded, but often-played song from the 1970s called “Down In Flames.” But apparently the Red Rocker’s claims that the rest of Van Halen are about to drop an album of Van Halen-leftovers appears to be true (you can read all about it over at MTV). Why come out of record-making retirement just to release a bunch of warmed-over rejects? I mean, it’s not like they haven’t had enough TIME to write BRAND NEW music. The fact that this song has been around (in some form) for longer than I’ve been alive makes me even sadder. I mean, you can’t polish a turd…no matter how long and hard you try. I think Van Halen knew this song sucked, which is why they’re releasing it in 2012 as opposed to 1984 when people still cared.
So to recap, “Tattoo” is just another nail in the Van Halen coffin as far as I’m concerned. Just when we all though nothing could be as bad as fucking Wolfgang…this had to happen. The only silver-linning that I can see is that 99.999% of people will not actually hear about this. So there is that…I still love classic Van Halen, but this ain’t it.
I’m going to encourage you to NOT watch this video, as it is fucking terrible.
Guided By Voices one of my all-time favorite bands has reunited and released a new album! In celebration of this momentous event, David Letterman has kindly invited the band to perform this evening. GBV is one helluva live act. I can honestly say that the two times I saw them were the greatest night(s) of my life. Lead singer Robert Pollard is white-headed now but I’m sure he can still swing a microphone with the best of ’em.
So if you’re suffering from insomnia tonight why not watch Letterman? You could seriously do worse…I’m looking at you Jay Leno.
Defending Axl Rose 